The first time I heard the term “burnout,” it was from an unlikely source.Just before I quit for the first time, my parents visited me in Dec 2018. After listening to me complain loudly about how awful things were at work and feeling that I was unable to do anything about it, I heard my father say:&nbsp;“Ebun, it seems as if you are burnt out.”I was stunned into silence.&nbsp;I had never heard that term before, yet it gut-punched me because it cut through the haze, it settled, and clicked into place somewhere in my brain&nbsp;And I answered – Yes, it will seem so.&nbsp;I imagined a candle that was lit on both ends and had its wick used up and extinguished.Yes, burnout was exactly right.However, while I explained to my parents why I was planning to quit a company I worked in for 11 years, I had explained about the frustration, exhaustion, and anger of being in that environment. But I hadn’t told them that I was constantly being dogged with thoughts of worthlessness, existential dread, and was steadily becoming more and more preoccupied with ending that feeling by ending my life.I didn’t want to acknowledge those thoughts; I was afraid that if they were acknowledged, they would finally overpower me. I also couldn’t tell my parents that such thoughts were crossing my mind. How could I? Scare them that way? Tell them their child was considering leaving them that way? Also, they wouldn’t even know what to do anyway; they would likely react in the wrong way and possibly make me feel even worse.After I quit in July 2019, I spent the following months at home, existing, waking up and sleeping, then later I even joined a gym. &nbsp;I was taking lessons for CFA level 2 exams, but I couldn’t bring my mind to focus well enough to study on my own.I asked a few people in my network about how to get into infrastructure development and investing, which I really loved from the work I did with APM Terminals, and prepared my CV accordingly and shared it with a few people.I had a lot of free time, though, but I didn’t mind it. So in October 2019, &nbsp;when my parents came to stay in their house in the city, to complete health checks and catch up with friends and business in the area, I visited them.I sleep in my mother’s room with her whenever I visit them, despite there being guest rooms I could use ( I am a mama’s girl like that)During that visit in Oct 2019, she left me sleeping in her room and went to morning mass. She came back and was preparing to go and make breakfast for my dad, when she stopped, turned towards me, still lying down in her bed, and she asked, “Ebun, what really happened with work? Why did you leave without a plan?” Was it really so bad?”She had enquired about why her usually determined child was unable to endure longer in a company she had seemed successful in, and why I would quit without a plan, and in the middle of a senior management program at that.Maybe it was the way she asked, maybe because I had had three months of rest, but I told her it was more than burnout. I said, “mummy I had become really miserable there, and I had even started thinking of how to kill myself.”I was watching her body and her face as I spoke, and I knew I had stunned her.She had been standing up while listening to me, but I suppose her legs gave out because suddenly she was sitting down on the bare floor, raised her face upwards along with her hands, started rubbing them together, saying, “My God, I thank you, my God I thank you” over and over again.I remained silent, watching her, then after a few moments passed, she looked back at me, still seated on the floor, she said, “Thank you, my dear, for leaving the job and not me”.I told her I was sorry I scared her, but I wanted to be honest with her.She thanked me again and assured me that no material thing in this world was worth dying for.That memory and her words stayed with me. &nbsp;I thought the self-loathing and suicidal ideation that dogged my mind would dissipate when I rested and found a job I liked. &nbsp;I was wrong.Sharing my CV with people led to a role in an organization, with great colleagues who I enjoyed working with, but the overall culture was toxic and needlessly exacting, driven by a company leader with unrealistic demands on staff and external advisers.I had a keen sense of the potential and impact of the work I did on communities and livelihoods. I really loved that I could help translate an infrastructure asset from concept on paper into the various parts that had to come together to make it a reality. I also really enjoyed the mutual respect from colleagues while problem-solving issues, even when we knew many could have been avoided if we were allowed to stick to our plan and not have it hijacked by the company’s leadership.I was grateful to be hired for the position that allowed me use the project development expertise that APM Terminals no longer seemed to value. I also knew that the role was a great positioning and platform to build towards my ambitions.However, I knew that my fragile mental and emotional state needed to be addressed; otherwise, I may not survive long enough to do anything meaningful.I knew I had to quit again, and indefinitely to really understand, then address my inner state, to take the time I needed to find a way of being and a way of seeing myself that wasn’t always pushed and pulled by the whim and caprice of people and corporations whose deliberate or oblivious actions damaged my sense of self and my well-being.“Thank you, my dear, for leaving the job and not me”. &nbsp;My mother’s words kept ringing in my mind, an anchor in the inner turmoil.Those were the words I remembered again in June 2020, when the suicidal thoughts came back with vengeance. I knew that even if I didn’t value my life just yet, there was someone I loved who would be devastated if I made such a choice.So drawing on that realization, I knew that I had to quit again, despite only just working there for 6 months, despite feeling afraid that I was going to be known as a quitter, and despite feeling afraid that I may never want to rejoin that world if I withdrew from it to heal. Yet I also knew that if I didn’t stop and process what was happening in my mind, I may finally give in to suicidal ideation.I knew also that now was the best time to do it, when the thought of dying didn’t bother me, but the thought of breaking my mother’s heart that way did. So at least, something strong and beautiful – my mom’s love was worth staying alive for.So once again, at the end of January 2021, I quit and took my first proper adult sabbatical, so I could allow myself to rest and break down without a clock on it.Allow myself the time it took, however long was needed for me to figure out how to stop hating myself so much, so I could rejoin the world as a stronger, more capable person.

If you feel really burnout or are on the verge of mental or physical break down. Allow it. Take the time you need

I had to quit again, this time to save my life.

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I had to quit again, this time to save my life.

I had to quit again, this time to save my life.

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