I quit without a backup plan from a company I had worked in for 11 years, the company that I had begun my career in, a place where being recognized for my work ethic and successes had become an anchor for my identity.I knew I was tired, exhausted, phoning it in, barely dragging myself to work because it all felt pointless as no one around me valued the skills I had come to enjoy developing and using.The unique skillset I had developed from past roles in helping to articulate, prepare, then support the development and acquisition of Infrastructure was no longer relevant in this organization as all its management seemed to want to do was talk about ideas, not support with following through to avoid being the one blamed for a failure or going against the grain so that they don’t loose their prestige or positions.I could recognize the misery, frustration, and anger I felt, I could also no longer deny that the dark thoughts of self-annihilation that they triggered were getting serious.When my father had told me that I was experiencing burnout. I didn’t expect it at all.My father, who had raised me to work hard and keep exceeding expectations, even when I was already doing my best.My father, who worked long days and night shifts with one organization for twenty-five years until he retired.My father who I had feared explaining to about my need to quit, even without a job, even without a plan.This critical, often angry man who raised me is the one who – after listening to my ramble about why I had to quit - first named what I was going through. When I heard him say “Could it be that you are burnt out?” It clicked right into place in my mind and I understood immediately and viscerally what it meant, a mental image of a candle lit on both ends and had been completely used up filled my vision.I knew I was physically and emotionally exhausted, I just didn’t know there was term that succinctly described complexity of things I was experiencing that drove me to quit. Burn out.When I quit without another job lined up July 2019, I knew it was unconventional, but I knew I could no longer remain in that organization nor wait there killing time while I plotted my way out, because of the suicidal ideation that now accompanied the rage and exhaustion.However, then I thought it was only my work environment that needed to change. I thought if I could work my way into institutions where their main business and bottom line was driven by infrastructure development and financing, rather than have it is a supporting corporate function, then I could be alright.The sense of relief that flooded me when I made the decision to quit was great. A decision had been made, I could now begin the work to end the limbo, I could now start to seize my destiny in my hands. I meant it when I told people I was sure, I was going to be okay, even if I had no clear plan.Very quickly few weeks had flown by as I deliberately allowed myself kill time and defiantly just chillaxing on purpose. “Na quit I quit, I no kill person”. &nbsp;I rested at home, slept a lot and stayed in bed browsing youtube and linkedin for motivation and watching Netflix for entertainment.The physical exhaustion was abating but I still felt drained of energy for anything useful or productive, the feelings of deep discontent and the suicidal ideation which still persisted even, my inner critic was also working on over drive, constant rumination about the future and how quitting meant I was a failure who was unworthy of anything good because I had no grit to hack it.I swallowed it all thinking that I just needed to relax a bit longer, before I start to take actions to become a useful, productive member of society once again and I would be sorted.So, I reached out to my network of CFA tutors, former bosses, acquaintances, and contacts who were in or adjacent to the Investment and financing industry, to gather tips on how to edit my profile for transitioning into the Finance industry, express my interest in such positions, and apply for them.I applied all the feedback I received, shared my CV and profile with those who asked and waited.I had gone to see my parents again. Having all of my time completely to myself meant I could visit them more regularly, which they liked and I enjoyed too when I wasn’t anxious that they were masking their disappointment in me, but trying to be supportive.During that visit, I told my mother about the suicidal ideation that drove me quit and I saw how badly hearing that from me affected her. I still keep the memory of her reaction with me to remind me that my life is important to someone really precious to me.During my visit to my parents, mid-October 2019, after failing to return to sleep, I received a text said “I am the CEO of a certain institution, and I came across your CV and I would like to discuss a position with you”.I was so surprised and grateful, my mood lifted immediately, I was like “Yes, there is a God after all”.I respond saying I am out of town now, but I will reach out, giving a specific day and time, I knew I would be back home and able to meet in person for a follow up discussion if required.Conversations progressed quickly and by Nov 2021, I had signed a contract to commence a role in Jan 2020. The hope that I had another job so soon after I quit and, in a sector, I had been really targeting lifted my spirits and I joyfully shared my parents, who wished me well with the position.A senior colleague who had become a good friend over the years, who had quit about 6 months before I did, had also asked me to join him to provide some paid consultancy services for a client of his who was trying to convert some land they had into a cargo handling and storage facility.So I had paid interesting work that kept my mind occupied till the end of the year and I had a job lined up to start early 2020.I felt that I should be good right? And it was until two months into the role and I realized that while I enjoyed the work I did, the new environment was becoming challenging again, but for different reasons.While my previous bosses had no will, exercised no real authority and refused to be future thinking or strategic, this new boss overflowed with boundless energy and will , demanded fast execution on many big future focused actions, yet micromanaged every aspect and kept shifting the goalpost, calling to bend my ear, then 3hrs later demanding status on actions he was only just suggesting in the initial call. Hiring consultants to deliver on poorly considered scopes that were severely underfunded. I was the project manager sitting in the middle of a boss who couldn’t be reasoned with, colleagues I had to work with who were also under pressure, consultants who needed constant management to deal with evolving scopes under a low budget and clients who were too haughty or too important to be responsive.By March 2020, when COVID-19 protocols drove us all into our homes, the rage and anxiety in my mind had resumed in earnest, along with the critical, cruel inner voices. .Working from home may have saved some money but it meant I was available almost 24 hrs now. Essentially available from dawn till dusk getting up only for major bodily functions, eating, toilet breaks and sleeping.Yet it was not enough. This person I now worked for, was a blackhole of energy and input, the more I gave the more was demanded, I had been sucked dry of all the physical and emotional energy I had restored between when I quit in July 2019 and joining in January 2020.Once again along with the anxiety and exhaustion came the dark thoughts of self-destruction. I started to slowly recognize that, being thrown hither thither by the whim and caprice of whomever signed my checks was not a way to live.&nbsp;I also started to finally see that &nbsp;while my external environment mattered, the my inner environment of my mind mattered more.And that haven’t the inner climate of my mind be driven by anyone else’s behaviour meant, I would never really experience the freedom as an adult. Even if my body was free, if how I felt about myself was driven by external factors, I was trapped.I had to know:<ul><li>Why did I always default to anxiety, misery, and suicidal ideation when I was being treated badly or in a difficult environment?</li><li>Was a job in the best job and best environment really enough? Or was there something more that had to be in place, to fully own and belong to myself, so that I no longer negotiated my humanity with anyone, no matter who they were?</li><li>Is there a way to always have my agency and self-worth regardless of what was happening around me?</li><li>Were there ways to adult with more dignity and self-respect?</li><li>Was there another way to be sure of my identity, that whatever was happening didn’t rock it?</li></ul>I decided to quit again in June 2020.While I had to wait between till the end January 2021 to leave that position, the fact that I was finally going to allow the breakdown so that I could figure out how to live properly gave me hope of potential reprieve, along with my mother’s words. “Thank you for leaving work and not me”.I took an indefinite break. I didn’t know how much time I was going to need, so I didn’t set a time. I just need that I didn’t want the added pressure of putting a clock on the how long it would take to discover what was really going on in my mind and figure out how to heal it and to live well enough to love myself regardless of what was going on around me.

If your inner environment is unhealthy, nothing external can fix it. 

The new job didn’t fix me either. Something deeper was going on

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The new job didn’t fix me either. Something deeper was going on

The new job didn’t fix me either. Something deeper was going on

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